Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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