I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
