so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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