OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
