The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
