Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
