My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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