i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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