we're blogging at a bar
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
