Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
