Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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