My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
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I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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