Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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