I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
