I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
