he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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