Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
