seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
