the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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