I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
