a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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