I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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