drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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