So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
