no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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