**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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