could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
