Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
