Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
