the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
