I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
