I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You were trust falling into bushes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
