My room smells like vodka and shame
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
