I looked at my own cervix.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
