Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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