i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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