thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
