I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
