she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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