Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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