And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
