literally had 100 drinks last night.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
