Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So vagazzling was a success
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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