If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
