Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
