Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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