Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
