Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
be right there i have to get my cape
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
