I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
