I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
