the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
