i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
