some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
