Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Define "chronic" masturbator.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
