someone threw a dead crab at me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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