and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
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i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
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Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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