Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
