I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
be right there i have to get my cape
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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