The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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