Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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