What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
