I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
