I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
