I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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